Hi Everyone,

I finally made it back here...

I have a new blog! It's called
Phoenix Rising - Journey Towards a Fulfilling Life with Chronic Illness


Check it out if you have a chance, & tell me what you think :)

Thanks!

Deepak Chopra on Iraq
I just stumbled onto this looking up Deepak Chopra on Wikipedia... As ludicrous as it sounds at first, if you really think about it...This may have been a much better way to go!

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deepak_Chopra

Ideas on the current war with Iraq
In March 2003, shortly before the US-led Invasion of Iraq, Chopra, upon being asked for creative ideas, gave ten suggestions. These suggestions included that Iraq could be disarmed without force; that religious leaders meet in Baghdad; increasing UN forces by ten-fold; sponsoring 25,000 Iraq exchange students to the West; etc. He also suggested that a new Disney World theme park in the Middle East would help to reduce fear and anger in children and that residents of Iraq should be provided free access to CNN, MTV and Nickelodeon [2] to expose them to the rest of the world.

Okay, so, my two least favorite housekeeping things are Dishes (cuz I'm usually utterly worn out by the time I'm done cooking) and Vacuuming. Those are the two things I know I need to do more often than I do. This week I've had a surplus of energy, so I've done pretty good w/the dishes (mostly using disposable stuff, but I cook, and try to avoid the microwave as little as possible, and there aren't any disposable pots & pans that I know of yet!) but the vacuuming was really eluding me. (I've been extra stiff lately too, energy or not, ug.) Anyways, so watching the lovely sunset, and when it was done I felt nice & relaxed & started planning out what I have to do tmo, and I was trying to fit the vacuuming in there, when I realized, uhhh, it's like 5:30pm...and even if the sun's gone down it's still light out, and still early! And I still have energy! So I decided I would go home & do it.

Warmed up some peanut curry tofu & brown rice from last night, picked stuff up off the floor so I could vacuum, and got to it. It was very rewarding. While it lasted!
Which was about umm...I'm not sure, but I only got about half my aparment done, and not much of the actual LIVING area before I heard a weird noise. (Yes, I WAS looking where I was vacuuming, I didn't see anything.) Stopped it, turned it over, & saw nothing. So I turned it back over & started again. It worked just fine for a couple of minutes at least... And that's when I started smelling the smell. Like burnt rubber! Eeek!

Well, after much deliberation, and a spasm in my back (I knew there was a reason I don't like to do this! lol) I've given up. Apparently these days you need a screw driver to look under the thingy. And I just gave my dad his back :(
Well no one can say I didn't try!
Maybe I'll try again later. Once something similar happened, and it worked just fine the next time I tried. Maybe it just didn't appreciate being woken up?

Grabbed this from cazul_blue

Current Mood: awake

ticsHeard part of this last night on tv, but I found an e-mail in my Inbox today... Kucinich is running for Prez again!

Is it too much to hope that Bush, with all his blunders of the past eight years, could actually have been a good thing, in making people realize that pretty much everything Kucinich stands for is what we as a country want and need? Things like bringing our troops home from Iraq, and getting SERIOUS about the environment?

It almost seems like if there was any time America was ready to escape the 2 party system it would be now...But then...it could just mean that we'll stay predictable & just go for a Democrat this time...
Personally, I think the only way I could be tempted to do that is if the candidate was a woman... She'd still have to be as qualified as I think he is though.

Well, either way we all have an important choice to make, so here's some info about my guy :)
Oh shit. I just realized! He's running as a Democrat again! YEAH!

Well here's the text of the e-mail:

Announcement of Candidacy for President of the United States Dear Friend, We are living in a time of great tests of our humanity, which also present great opportunities for transformation. The war in Iraq is a veil that shrouds our creativity and our potential for prosperity. It cuts us off from the world at a time when it is imperative that we acknowledge our interdependence and interconnectedness. This is a moment with a profound feeling of destiny. America has been an extraordinary international power to manifest that which we focus our energies upon. This power is true of individuals as well as nations. In a way, when we focus on terror, we bring to ourselves that which we fear. We focused on terror in Iraq and paradoxically helped to create the circumstances, which have propelled Iraq into civil war and chaos. The prestigious Lancet report on excess casualties in Iraq estimates that the war in Iraq has caused 655,000 Iraqi deaths, and that 20% of those deaths are a direct result of the actions of coalition forces. This war sacrifices the lives of innocent Iraqis, the lives of our troops, and the physical resources and good will of our nation. We are sacrificing our financial future, borrowing money from Beijing to occupy Baghdad in a war that military generals and the Iraqi Study Group have concluded is impossible to win militarily. We are focusing our resources on the power of destruction rather than the vision of a world in which we want to live: A world of prosperity and peace, equity, beauty and justice. It is time for us to stand together to bring the troops home and stand by the people of Iraq through implementing a real policy for the security, recovery, reconciliation and restoration of their nation. We as a nation have the opportunity to embrace the challenges of our time and take a new direction, starting with ending the war in Iraq. The leaders of my party have said that they will not stop funding the war, and are openly supporting a supplementary appropriations bill for an additional one hundred and sixty billion dollars ($160,000,000,000), on top of the $70,000,000,000 that was appropriated to Iraq for financial year 2007, back in October of this year. This would bring war expenditure for 2007 to $230 billion, double the expenditure of 2006, and by far the largest appropriation of the war so far. Today, I announced my candidacy for President of the United States in a quest to call my party to courage and integrity on this issue. This is a journey upon which I hope you will join together with me to ensure that our country calls forth our great potential with the same courage of our forefathers and mothers who birthed the vision for our great nation. You can see a video of my Announcement speech on www.kucinich.us (Our site has undergone its own transformation!) Our campaign will change the direction of the Democratic Party, the war in Iraq and our nation. Please join me to help make this great turning possible. Thank you Dennis Kucinich

Current Mood: excited

Hi Everyone. Just wanted to let you all know I'm still here. Just hurting! My shoulders are burning like crazy, almost non-stop. Got to the point where I was almost hyperventilating this afternoon. Reminds me how much respect I should have for those of you whose main problem w/Fibro is the neverending pain! I usually have aches & pains but they are usually stuff I can ignore. This is different. So hope you all are having a good night! I'm off to rest!
Thank goodness it's been a good day otherwise!

I don't know why it took me so long to get here. Usually, I'm a problem solver. I've done this before...

Dishes have been the bane of my existence lately. I've been so tired, & so unmotivated. I just keep letting them pile up. Don't say I should just wash them as I use 'em, cuz that just doesn't work for me. In the morning, my fingers are way too stiff, and I have a sneaking suspicion I might just end up breaking them all.

In the evening, I usually (when I'm up for it) cook, and then I get tired, and there are usually pots & pans to worry about. UGH!

And then I run out of dishes, cups, & utensils. And eating starts seeming less attractive. (Or maybe it was seeming less attractive anyway? Gawd, I just seem to be becoming everything I hate lately!)

So, as much as I hate being environmentally unfriendly...I've gone back to all disposible plates, cups, and utensils.  There are more important things to use my energy for!
I picked up some X-mas decorations while I was at it. I'm thinking I might get a tree as well! I saw these little two footers at Target for $8 something.

Anyways. Yay. Medium is back on! I like Medium. :)

Now, if only I could find a guy with a nice healthy back to help me get some boxes down to my storage thingy...

Both the Holistic MD and Chiro I visited agreed on one thing: they suspect my adrenals aren't functioning.

I found this doctor's website when I was googling Taurine, left it up, & thought I'd explore more. Guess I'd better start aiming for a way earlier bedtime!

http://www.lammd.com/A3R_brief_in_doc_format/adrenal_fatigue.cfm#2

Well, the sun didn't quite make it out today, like it was supposed to, but the good news is, I'm feeling much better. After 24 hours of drinking Gookinaid Hydralyte, I'm feeling a LOT better. The palpitations have calmed down, the elephant sitting on my chest has shrunken down to the size of my kitty. I still keep finding myself out of breath, and feeling kinda crappy, but the improvements have been enough to allow me to see the light again. Yay!
(W/Fibro I feel like a lot of the time I'm propelling myself through sheer will, so if my mind's not in a good place, I'm screwed!)

I added back some Whey Protein as well. Had some Chocolate flavored Designer Whey lying around. I generally don't like all the extras in it (the Splenda for starters, don't trust that stuff)and I was worried about the Taurine in it, cuz the first thing it brought to mind was Red Bull, but I Googled it, & it turns out it's good for your heart! I now have my nice regular Vanilla Stevia-Sweetened kind though. I am my family's nutritional supplement vacuum cleaner!

I'm looking forward to tackling some of the cleaning tomorrow! It's funny how one can be grateful for things like that!

So glad I have another appt w/the chiro tmo, too.
(The X-tra Strength tension headaches are seriously threatening a comeback.)

Well night-night, and I'm sending good thoughts out to all of you!

xoxo
ttfn!

So. I've never been good at lying. I was always taught it was wrong. Maybe I took the lesson too far. I find it hard even when it's easier that telling the truth. Sometimes, maybe I take it too far. I've tried to pretend at times, but eventually it all gets too complicated.

So here I am, once again, telling it how it is.
I'm not doing it to complain. Maybe just to get rid of it, or figure out what to do with it. Or maybe it will help people understand, somewhere out there, how important it is to find a way to fix this nightmare that is FMS/CFIDS/CFS/ME.

My soul is weary.
Just when I'd decided I was going to quit letting life pass me by, that there were things more important than proving to myself, and others that I could work. My life was empty besides work. And it's not like it was some fabulous career I was doing well at. So I was willing to consider giving it up. To just focus on me, and trying to get as healthy as possible, get as much peace of mind as possible, and start a more normal life for someone my age, one with friends, and fun (albeit a different version of what I used to call it) and at least make a try at real happiness.

But through some strange turn of events, instead of my health improving after ridding myself from the stress of manipulating my mind and body to keep working, of getting that part of things under control, instead of getting better, I've just gotten sicker. And sicker.
I guess maybe the stress of taking that step, plus some choices I'd made in the past couple of months, ironically to try and ensure that I could keep working.
(Or maybe I had myself too well convinced that I was hanging in there, and I'd already pushed too far?)

I've spent the last couple of days in utter hell. I'd forgotten it could be this bad. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever felt as sick as I have in the last 3 days or so.

It's gone roughly something like this: within a couple of hours of waking up (well except for today, when it was actually what woke me up) my heart starts beating like I'm running some kind of race. It's really uncomfortable. That's actually been going on randomly for weeks. Maybe even a month. I've had this before, and since I have so many odd symptoms associated w/my illness, I tried not to pay much attention. Usually it's a lot more random though, and not so often.

Then there's this other problem I've had before, which is a lot harder to deal with. I start feeling like I'm not getting enough air. I've sometimes thought I'm somehow forgetting to breathe, but I'm not sure that's the case, though every breath does seem shallower. It's an awful feeling, like being very slowly strangled.
The biggest problem that comes to mind is, not only do I feel like I'm not getting enough of air, I feel like I have no energy, like my blood's not circulating or my heart's not pumping enough, or something. It also makes it very hard to think. Which I already have major trouble with.
I tried coffee as a remedy when I was still working full-time. It just got my heart going crazy, pretty much as described above, and of course, did nothing to increase my energy. It's almost like it's pumping on empty. And then there's that unpleasant feeling to contend with too so...

Only now, the lack of oxygen thing comes with something new. (Or maybe it's a seperate thing, but they both seem to happen pretty close to each other.)I have this feeling of squeezing pressure on my chest, mainly on the left side, like something's sitting on it. Sometimes like someone's got my heart in a loose but steady grip.

I'm afraid to do much for fear of making it worse. Even leave the apartment by myself, since that involves two flights of stairs, one very steep. (If my heart's pounding lying completely still...?) My apartment's a disaster cuz I can't clean. Eating makes me tired.(Probably mostly from preparing the food.) I'd gone & signed up on a dating site, cuz I thought getting out would do me good, but now I know I'm too sick to hide it. (I've tried dating when I was a little less sick than this, and despite my best efforts, they knew something was wrong). I think last time I was this bad it was summertime. It's bad enough to know the beach is a 10 minute drive away and that people your age are out enjoying themselves & having all kinds of fun, but at least you can get the sunshine. In the winter it's not so sunny, and everyone is out doing holiday things, which you can't do when you're broke & jobless...)Needless to say I was getting pretty depressed there for awhile. Not to mention very uncomfortable and a little panicky. (I even checked online to see if it could be panic attacks, though I was pretty positive I knew what a panic attack felt like...but between checking, and the unusually, for me, high amount of tranquilizers I've taken hoping it would help I'm now 99.999 percent sure that's not what they are. No, screw that. Make it 100%)
But I won't go to the hospital. I can't imagine they could do anymore tests (or else wouldn't they have?) and from what I've read, they might not be able to make anything of them even if they did, and like I said before, the weird IV bruises (still trying to figure out how I have bruises on both sides of my wrist so far away from where the needle was!) & holes & the rooms that are so cold you'd think they're trying to cryogenically freeze you. Oh and there're the insurance copays that are adding up.

I managed to do some research though, and a lot of pieces are falling into place.
The same old Mitochondrial Dysfunction theories, and Idiopathic Cardiomyopathy, and something called Diastolic Dysfunciton I think. As far as I can tell, stuff they won't find in a normal workup.
So today I got myself some stuff called "Gookinaid" which seemed to help the tiniest bit. And I found out that the crucial mis-step I may have taken might have been letting up on my Whey Protein intake (glutathione precursor) when I ran out a week or so after starting the Raw Foods. (As well of course, as the Raw Foods diet itself, mainly the not including enough salt?)

So I guess I won't go to the gym to see what happens if I try a nice run on the treadmill w/my heart acting like this for now.

An old friend called & left me a voicemail though. I'd been thinking of him recently, thought about calling to see what he was up to, back a few weeks ago when my life at least had a semblance of normalcy. I just don't know what I'll say when he asks what I've been up to. My get tells me to lie through my teeth. But like I said, I'm not good at that. I can come up with maybe 3 sentences that leave much to be desired. But I'm not sure I can come up with enough gloss to cover over 5 whole years of my life. Well maybe the first couple, when I could still manage to be who I was, and any gaps where just temporary. But now...

Oh well. I'm gonna go back to trying to watch TV or maybe even get to sleep. That's one thing I can do a lot more of lately, usually at times I normally couldn't like, 5pm. Not likely today though, as my 99% of the time quiet neighbors seem to be celebrating Ramadan, or as I called it before I found it was Ramadan: "Persian Oktoberfest".

Oh thank goodness, the celebration seems to be winding down, earlier they were playing some techno-y stuff & my heartbeat and soon my head were starting to keep time with it...